By: Eowyn Weiss
At approximately three in the afternoon today a solar flare hit earth, disrupting government communication, and threatening national and world-wide security. The Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee was tasked with responding to this calamity, yet the suggested bills were referred to by several representatives as “unserious” and “really funny.” For example, Maine Senator Angus King, one of the first to speak after the news of the flare reached congress, suggested the imposition of Martial Law. Alaska Senator Lisa Ann Murkowski will be presenting a bill that would build a massive wall of solar panels around the sun itself with “one singular USB cord” direct to the USA. “No other countries can grow plants,” Murkowski announced, before Oregon Ron Wyden suggested they “freeze and seize” all foreign assets in the United States to fund this bill.
The people are confused, the government is a laughingstock, and all the while our foreign adversaries have the perfect opportunity to attack America during this fragile state of near-chaos. No serious bills are being presented, there are no governmental fallbacks kicking in, and all senators declined to comment on this hectic and disastrous national emergency.